I cant believe it is MARCH already…February was barely a blip! Things are going well around here, the kids are growing/changing/challenging every day and I am constantly amazed how trying it can be yet how unbelievably blessed I am to be their Momma. While we dont have a set schedule every day (I’ve tried, they never stay established) we do have a routine that seems to “work” for us.
Genevieve is sleeping *mostly* through the night, still nursing 2-3x depending on what time she went to sleep. We are still co-sleeping with her (in our ginormous king size bed..she pretty much as a whole half-side to herself, ha) but we are working on transitioning her to the crib in Gavins room. She is NOT a fan. But she makes up for it with her smiling eyes and contagious grins!
Gavin is becoming more and more a “little guy” as he will be turning 2 this Saturday. I still cant wrap my head around it…2 yrs old. I often call him my “redemptive blessing” as God used my “unplanned” pregnancy with Gavin to break me and bring me back to Him. 3 years ago I was living a life full of pain, regret, poor choices, running, and looking to be loved and wanted in all the wrong places. (I could go on and on about my stupidity…let me rephrase that, about my desperate desire to be fulfilled in a way only Christ can and how I thought I could somehow find that fulfillment in men, sex, food, drinking, money, etc…because for those of us who have been broken to be redeemed, we know how it hurts to the core (because thats how deep the pain and sin go) and sometimes THAT pain takes longer to see results, and giving into the sin “fixes” the pain faster…but only TEMPORARILY.
I’ve never really spoken very openly about my unplanned pregnancy, the deep struggles I went through when I realized that my life would forever be changed and I had NO CLUE what was going to happen, the embarrassment I would be causing my family…because I was, after all, a Christian woman who KNEW what the Bible said about premarital sex, and the lifestyle I was living. How I would support myself and a child. Where would we live? (At the time I was living in a huge house with 3 other roommates and 2 dogs) The one thing I did know, was that it was time to stop running. At night I would pray (ironic, eh?) that God would somehow take all the pain away that had been building up over time from broken relationships, emotional abuse, life’s disappointments, constant struggles…I just wanted to feel whole again, to feel loved for who I was, in spite of my imperfections. While I was praying for that, though, I was still trying to find that wholeness in the same ways that got me feeling empty in the first place, and I know God used this pregnancy because it was the only thing that would cause me to STOP running. To break down. Game over. Or so I thought…
God used this time in my life to accomplish so many things, but mainly my redemption…and to bring about all the things I had been wanting but was too impatient and too mistrusting to believe He would bring them about. Was it all wrapped in the shiny red bow I had pictured? Not at all. When my husband and I met, I was healing from a horrible emotionally abusive on-again/off-again 2 yr relationship, and he was working 7 days a week and spent his evenings with me, and plenty of alcohol. (Please do NOT misinterpret, my husband was not an alcoholic by any means, I am simply saying he was trying to numb the pain in his heart). Over time people from our church began reaching out to us, praying for us, and things began to change. Our “like” and “need” for one another became our love for one another, and our focus began to shift towards Christ. He proposed in January, Gavin was born in March, and we were married in June. Not exactly the shiny red bow, but definitely a God-wrapped blessing.
Since that time we have had our ups and downs…marriage is hard. Especially when you flip the “script” and have kids first. (and broken pasts, for that matter). There is a REASON God laid out things as He did in the Bible. In our first year of marriage we went through our share of fights, rearing a child, a life-threatening ectopic pregnancy for me (another way God used a situation to bring healing..I can blog about that later), job frustrations, another pregnancy (and subsequent baby) and learning how to live well on one-income. It was a tough first year, but we will be celebrating our 2nd anniversary in June and I’ve never been more in love with that man 🙂
So when I look at Gavin, even on the most difficult days, I cant help but think about what he is a picture of: God’s never-ending love and grace, a God that loves so intensely he will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to bring you back to Him. Because you are His BELOVED. THAT was the love I so desperately craved and needed to feel in a real way. And every time I get a snuggle, kiss, giggle, or amazing smile from my “little guy”, I am reminded of what God has done in my life, and how much I am dearly loved.
Happy 2nd Birthday my sweet redemptive blessing…I love you more than words can say!